As a disclaimer, anything that is to come is not intended to bash men or women, rather, it's to point up how jacked up things are in this life and in our natural patterns of behavior.

A few years ago I first came across the book, Love and Respect. It's a marriage book based on a mix of Ephesians and sociological research and, it proposed, the couples act in a love and respect cycle.

Basically, there's some solid research out there that reveals that men, on the whole, really want to be respected (you could say that for me, respect = love), while women, on the whole, really want to be loved. So, the love a respect cycles basically says that when a man acts lovingly, then a woman will act respectfully, and when a man acts unlovingly, then a woman will act disrespectfully. Obviously both of these actions then feed into the other so you either end up with something stable or something that's completely jacked.

When I first heard this idea I really liked it, but, as I'm watching more and more relational dynamics unfold, I don't think it's accurate. Rather, I think, when a man acts lovingly, there is something inside a woman that asks, "Is he being loving because he loves me, or because I did something respectful?" In other words, she wants to know that she's truly and unconditionally loved (a desire that isn't a bad thing).

Now, I don't think the next step is necessarily malicious or intentional, but the only way to find out if the love given is based on her actions or because she is unconditionally loved, is to act disrespectfully and discover what the man does ... does he prove himself loving or does he grow cold?

At this point there's two options. The man can do what's right and continue to act lovingly (which I've seen result in more disrespect and, essentially, a lifetime of having to prove himself ... a move which eventually emasculates him), or he can act unlovingly, an action that, based on my observation, often prompts a woman to act respectfully in an attempt to regain a sense of being loved (only to have the cycle restart once things are stable again). Of course, in time, a guy figures out that if he wants her to act respectfully, that he needs to keep her constantly on edge so she's always trying to doing something that will give her a sense of being loved (of course, this will ultimately wear her out as well).

Thoughts? Is the revamped model accurate? What needs to happen so couples can break this dysfunctional model and return to a healthy love and respect cycle?

I've been known to be rather hard on Christians for a wide variety of reasons and, while I hold to many of those reasons and think there's many lessons for us to learn if we going to be able to connect with people who aren't just like us, the past few months serving at Christ Lutheran here in Denver have been a wonderful reminder of just how wonderful God's people can be.

There have been cards that show up in my mailbox or on the pastor's desk from a wide range of people, continual words of encouragement and thanks, offers to bring dinners up when Anita had her accident, babysitting, tickets to DU hockey games, and then, this week, the gift of a scooter that a family didn't need anymore, but thought would be perfect for us to use getting around downtown.

But it's not the stuff side of all this that's blowing me away, it the thought that goes into it. Seeing the scooter in the garage and thinking, "Hey, the Burnham's only have one car, they could use this!" or people going out of their way to drop off a card or a meal. It just leaves me in awe of how wonderful God's people can be, and I can't help but think that, if those outside the Church saw this side of the Church, it would go far in changing people's perceptions.

I had an incredible conversation with a friend earlier today.

We were talking about ministry and I made the comment that, in my opinion, the most important ministry a church can do, is men's ministry. This belief stems from the biblical concept of headship, and the ongoing idea that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. My basic argument says that, if congregations equip men to do what God has called men to do, then you're not just doing men's ministry, but, through the trickle down effect, you're also doing women's ministry, family ministry, youth ministry, and children's ministry.

This prompted a side conversation on the whole sin issue and how, in Scripture, outside of Genesis 3, Eve is not the one who is identified as bringing sin into the world. Rather, Adam is given the blame for sin because he failed as a husband at the tree. This sets the stage for the discussion of the New Adam, Christ, who, at his tree (the cross), loved his bride (the Church) fully.

At this point, my friend commented, "And God knew that all this was going to happen from the foundation of the world and yet, he went through with it anyway." As she debated an answer to the why of that question, she suggested that it might be so we would choose God over ourselves. Personally, I don't think this is the right answer, instead, I offered this illustration.

J: When you had your daughter, you were trying to have a child, right?

F: Yes.

J: Before you had her, did you know that she would do things that would hurt you? That there would be times she would reject you? That she very well could not "choose" you but do her own thing?

F: Yes.

J: And yet you had her anyway ... not so that she would choose you and love you, but so that you could choose her and love her no matter what.

I've said quite a bit about evangelism on here over time, for example, don't do this, or this, but this, or this, or this, would be good ideas. Well here's another idea on something women could do ... I don't guys could get away with it without being accused of just trying to cop a feel. It's nothing new or radical, actually, there are books on the topic, but something happened yesterday that prompted it when I was walking home from work and ran into this gal on the 16th Street Mall:

She made the comment that, right before she hugged me, she'd hugged a huge crowd of people who were on their way home from a funeral and it just added a bit of joy to their day.

So, what if Christians just engaged in giving free hugs, or doing other random acts of kindness along the mall? Just little things to bring some joy to people's day or make their life a bit easier. Some people would just accept the gift and walk away, but others would want to know why, which would prompt a simple opportunity for Christians to say, "I just want to share a bit of the love Jesus has shared with me." If pressed, maybe give out a card that points people to a site like the Fishbowl or something like that.

Thoughts?

I was going to blog about this last week, then Pop did, but the thought came up again today when I received confirmation that Britney Spears isn't moving within a mile or so of my house.

What I can't help but wonder is, "What would be the best way to love a neighbor who's life looks like Britney's?" I mean, if we're going to trust her ex-boyfriend's testimony in the article, she's not only an alcoholic but a drug addict, and has the money to support both habits until she's dead. Moreover, the law taking her children from her apparently hasn't made an impact.

Law can be loving in that it calls us to leave a life of destruction. Gospel can be loving in that we hear that we are loved. But how, if you had a chance, should you love someone who is where Britney is right now?