While we were on vacation, Anita and I began reading, The Lifelines of Love. While we've only covered the first few chapters, the author makes a powerful statement right up front as he defines the difference between lifelines and guidelines. Lifelines, those things that will actually keep the couple together over the time and trials of marriage, are God's means of grace. The basic premise is that, unless the couple is receiving God's grace, they will never have the grace they need to show one another to stay together.

This alone is a powerful shift from what Anita and I have encountered over the years as we've read books, gone to marriage conferences, and attended some sessions of marriage counseling. In the past, what we've always run into were something this author would call guidelines, which are all about the law ... the stuff that each person is called to do in the marriage if they are going to be faithful to God's will as a husband or wife.

Now, it's important to remember that guidelines are necessary, after all, God does give husbands and wives directions on how to be a good husband or good wife, a quick summary of which can be found in Luther's "Table of Duties" in the back of the Small Catechism. However, if all you base your marriage on is guidelines, then you're bound to have issues because your partner will fail you. Lifelines on the other hand, gives you something to do when your partner fails.

But the guidelines issue doesn't end there because not all guidelines are created equal. To flesh this out, let's begin with a quote:

When a couple struggles in their marriage, they often find it helpful to focus on the more superficial remedies, such as improving their communication skills, enriching their sex life, learning better how to meet each other's needs, or similar techniques. Yet often the true cause for marital problems lie deeper. What does it mean for a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife? What does it mean for a husband and a wife to become "one flesh"? How can they be naked and not ashamed? How can it be that, once married, husband and wife are "no longer two, but one," as Jesus taught, because it is God who joined them together? How does sin twist and distort the roles of husband and wife, parent and child? Only if we are seeking to answer some of these deeper, underlying questions will we be adequately equipped to deal with specific challenges we face in our relationships with one another. (God, Marriage, and Family, 28)

In this quote, the author begins with guidelines, but they are surface suggestions that attack symptoms rather than the disease. So, instead of taking on symptom guidelines, he proposes that we address the root of the issue and seek to work within those guidelines.

An example of this from a different realm is one I recently discovered concerning fluoride. Now, I think we're all aware that we intake fluoride through our drinking water and in most toothpastes. We do this because it helps strengthen teeth. However, what most of us don't know is the fluoride is also an inhibitor to the thyroid gland (Google it for more examples) and some studies show an across the board 20% weight gain in populations that add fluoride to water. So, why did we start adding fluoride to our water? It was a means to overcome the fact that people weren't taking care of their teeth and, later on, that we eat lots of sugar and processed foods. But what would happen if, rather than just attacking the symptoms of cavities, we dropped the fluoride (which is why we recently installed a reverse osmosis water purifier in our kitchen) and focused on tooth care and eating healthier foods? Not only would we save our teeth, but we'd also protect the thyroid and be systemically healthier.

Jumping back to marriage guidelines, if we just attack what we see going on the surface, we could very well be addressing one issue but creating another. However, if we dig into Scripture and build marriages based on God's design, we'll have the optimal guidelines to follow and the lifelines to enable the granting of grace when sin comes into the picture.

Now if it just wasn't an easier said than done kind of thing.