behavior

As a disclaimer, anything that is to come is not intended to bash men or women, rather, it's to point up how jacked up things are in this life and in our natural patterns of behavior.

A few years ago I first came across the book, Love and Respect. It's a marriage book based on a mix of Ephesians and sociological research and, it proposed, the couples act in a love and respect cycle.

Basically, there's some solid research out there that reveals that men, on the whole, really want to be respected (you could say that for me, respect = love), while women, on the whole, really want to be loved. So, the love a respect cycles basically says that when a man acts lovingly, then a woman will act respectfully, and when a man acts unlovingly, then a woman will act disrespectfully. Obviously both of these actions then feed into the other so you either end up with something stable or something that's completely jacked.

When I first heard this idea I really liked it, but, as I'm watching more and more relational dynamics unfold, I don't think it's accurate. Rather, I think, when a man acts lovingly, there is something inside a woman that asks, "Is he being loving because he loves me, or because I did something respectful?" In other words, she wants to know that she's truly and unconditionally loved (a desire that isn't a bad thing).

Now, I don't think the next step is necessarily malicious or intentional, but the only way to find out if the love given is based on her actions or because she is unconditionally loved, is to act disrespectfully and discover what the man does ... does he prove himself loving or does he grow cold?

At this point there's two options. The man can do what's right and continue to act lovingly (which I've seen result in more disrespect and, essentially, a lifetime of having to prove himself ... a move which eventually emasculates him), or he can act unlovingly, an action that, based on my observation, often prompts a woman to act respectfully in an attempt to regain a sense of being loved (only to have the cycle restart once things are stable again). Of course, in time, a guy figures out that if he wants her to act respectfully, that he needs to keep her constantly on edge so she's always trying to doing something that will give her a sense of being loved (of course, this will ultimately wear her out as well).

Thoughts? Is the revamped model accurate? What needs to happen so couples can break this dysfunctional model and return to a healthy love and respect cycle?

Last Sunday as I rode the bus home after preaching I listened to a message recorded about a year ago as a part of a conference on marriage and family. The speaker's name was Rob Jackson and the talk, which came with about 20 others from the conference, was on sexual addiction, however, while that was his focus is, the technique he's developed for treatment (the iceberg method) has much broader applications.

The iceberg method functions on the basic principle that what you see above the surface of the water or, in this case, the behaviors you see a person engaging in, are on part of the problem and, given the enormity of what's below the surface, the specific behaviors are a small part of the problem.

This basic reality instantly creates issues with how many Christians try to handle sin in their lives. They see a sinful behavior and say, "I'm going to stop doing that." or sometimes, "I need to start doing this." or, perhaps most common, it's somebody else "lovingly" telling you that you need to stop doing that and just start doing this. Of course, because what's on the surface is only a small part of the problem, if you change on behavior, the root issues will simply cause another to pop up.

Because the real issues are below the surface, the iceberg method involves tunneling down below the surface. This first means dealing with the thoughts and then the emotions. Finally, the lowest level of the iceberg is what Jackson calls the spirit which is concerned about our intimacy with God.

In many way, tunneling down and dealing with the spirit is really a process of discovering what your false gods are. For example, if on the surface the behavior that is seen is that you're a liar, then as you tunnel down you might run into the thought that you feel the need to lie so you can make yourself appear better to others. Moving down further it's discovered in the emotions that this is rooted in a need to be accepted. As this same line is explored into the realm of the spirit it becomes clear that you don't realize Christ's acceptance of you and so you've pursued the false god of human acceptance which has driven you to all kinds of unhealthy behaviors.

Recognizing this (and along with it your inability to change), you find yourself in a beautiful place to hear of Christ's gracious love and acceptance. This of course prompts a journey back up the iceberg, a trip that will reset the emotions and thoughts in light of who you are in Christ and therefore result in the behavior change of not lying.

The iceberg method ... it's the Gospel at its finest.