As a disclaimer, anything that is to come is not intended to bash men or women, rather, it's to point up how jacked up things are in this life and in our natural patterns of behavior.
A few years ago I first came across the book, Love and Respect. It's a marriage book based on a mix of Ephesians and sociological research and, it proposed, the couples act in a love and respect cycle.
Basically, there's some solid research out there that reveals that men, on the whole, really want to be respected (you could say that for me, respect = love), while women, on the whole, really want to be loved. So, the love a respect cycles basically says that when a man acts lovingly, then a woman will act respectfully, and when a man acts unlovingly, then a woman will act disrespectfully. Obviously both of these actions then feed into the other so you either end up with something stable or something that's completely jacked.
When I first heard this idea I really liked it, but, as I'm watching more and more relational dynamics unfold, I don't think it's accurate. Rather, I think, when a man acts lovingly, there is something inside a woman that asks, "Is he being loving because he loves me, or because I did something respectful?" In other words, she wants to know that she's truly and unconditionally loved (a desire that isn't a bad thing).
Now, I don't think the next step is necessarily malicious or intentional, but the only way to find out if the love given is based on her actions or because she is unconditionally loved, is to act disrespectfully and discover what the man does ... does he prove himself loving or does he grow cold?
At this point there's two options. The man can do what's right and continue to act lovingly (which I've seen result in more disrespect and, essentially, a lifetime of having to prove himself ... a move which eventually emasculates him), or he can act unlovingly, an action that, based on my observation, often prompts a woman to act respectfully in an attempt to regain a sense of being loved (only to have the cycle restart once things are stable again). Of course, in time, a guy figures out that if he wants her to act respectfully, that he needs to keep her constantly on edge so she's always trying to doing something that will give her a sense of being loved (of course, this will ultimately wear her out as well).
Thoughts? Is the revamped model accurate? What needs to happen so couples can break this dysfunctional model and return to a healthy love and respect cycle?
We had a small group go through this book. And while there were some good comments; many people didn't like it. Colleen and I are reading it now and came up with the same questions you brought up. How do you know if the way you are being treat is sincere? I agree that on a basic level it is fairly accurate. In 'general' men desire respect and in 'general' women desire love. But I think the true essence of the Ephesians text is that men...treat your wives as Christ treats the church. That in my mind means; love your wife even when she does something that infuriates you and doesn't respect you. Wives respect your husbands even when it doesn't seem that he loves you. It gives a concept that you give 100% to the marriage even when the partner isn't. I think what needs to happen to break this dysfunctional model is to live not a love/respect cycle but a repentance/forgiveness cycle. Does this work or are there flaws to it too?
I'm liking the second cycle, after all, it seems that love and respect needs to be part of it, or at least an attempt to be loving and respectful, but a recognition that, sometimes, you won't be those things and you'll need confession and forgiveness to stay on track. Maybe confession and forgiveness is the epicycles in the love and respect cycle?
My husband's mother just gave us this book and told us it is a must read. The two of them have been having trouble for some time and their pastor recommended they read it together. In fact, he recommended the two of them read the book and highlight areas that they feel are important to them. As I understand it, the book did wonders for them. I haven't made it all the way through but much of it seems to make sense. I will have to update you as to my thoughts when I comepletely read through it.
I think the book has a lot of good stuff in it, assuming people remained focused on, "How can I love her?" or "How can I respect him?" After all, the bulk of the book teaches how to do those things. "For Women Only" and "For Men Only" are two other very good books on this front.
The problems start when one person loses focus on that and develops an ulterior agenda. Of course, my post is suggesting that just such an agenda is what comes natural to us and we constantly have to fight against it.
I have not read the book but I can see the dangers with the sincerity. I think that also comes from the fact that people forget love is not just a feeling but that it is also a choice. You can choose to act lovingly towards someone whether you feel it or not. Sometimes people need to do things for their spouse, even when they don't feel like it, simply because the spouse likes it.
This brings up another book that I happen to sing praise to. The Five Love Languages. People do not receive love the same way. There are those who want to be attached at the hip to their partner. They feel love when there is that physical connection. Some people just like spending quality time. A few respond to gifts (even something as simple as a card). Others like to be complimented and encouraged...and I can never remember the 5th.
The point is, people have a tendency to offer love the way they receive love. If the partner does not have the same love language then the offering seems empty. People need to learn what language to communicate in.
Again there is the issue of sincerity but the effort behind it is what should be recognized. And, of course, nothing will work if the parties have different goals.
I'd like to see this 'solid research', about love and respect. Although you prefaced this blog with a statement saying that you weren't trying to put down one or the other, you managed to do that quite well.
Perhaps i'm out of the ordinary, but (as a woman) i crave respect. Respect stems from love, love stems from respect. It's a continuum, it's an endless feedback loop.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. Man or woman.
The research can be found in the book I link to in the post and there's also resources like For Women Only and For Men Only, which are based on statistically accurate surveys of men and women. Of course, this doesn't mean that "all women are this way" and "all men are that way", just that "the bulk are this way" and "the bulk are that way".
As for putting people down, I don't think I bashed men or women specifically, rather, I'd say that I pointed out general human fallibility and the way that we both undermine our relationships (although I should have added in a comment about how often men will play the love card to get what they want from a woman, and thus give women a very legit reason to wonder about our sincerity).
Concerning your final statement, I couldn't disagree more strongly. Rather, it's far more important in relationships that we treat others the way they want to be treated, because quite often, something that is of utmost importance to one, is insignificant to the other. A number of years back I wrote an article on this for re-yourlife.com (it also shares more of the results from the research I referenced).
Yeah, the one you can't remember, it's "acts of service". Of course, I remember that one because it's Anita's number one (gifts and quality time seem to tie for #2). Interestingly enough, for the first few years of our marriage, Anita would constantly do these acts of service things or bring me gifts and get annoyed that I didn't respond the way she wanted me to. Of course, my languages are encouragement and touch so, while she felt like she was loving me all over the place, she wasn't doing it in a way that communicated love to me. Of course, the same thing happened in the opposite direction.